birthday time1

I'm officially 22 years old today. Off to Universal IOA for a day of fun and very un-florida like cold. But Cold and Theme parks are the magic word for Florida locals, it means the parks will be filled to the brim. But I'm going to have fun anyway.

Season of giving... yeah right

Christmas is the most exhausting time of year when you work retail. The reason for this? Because it doesn't matter how fast you move, or how many lines are open. There's not enough cashiers to meet the demands of the people, because eventually someone is going to go to break, another is going to lunch, and another is set to go home.
I was leaving for a break yesterday and a woman stopped me and demanded I get onto a register or she was going to tell my manager. I laughed. Probably not the smartest move, but I couldn't help myself.
Don't these people understand that I'm a human being too? That I'm not a robot made to work unending hours at a time, without complaint and without anger? If I had stayed on the register without the option to get something to eat, rest my feet a bit, and make sure my blood sugar was still good (more on that later) I'd most likely have passed out and that would've been just the perfect end to an already horrible day.

The holidays stress me out because on top of Christmas, it's also coming around to my birthday. I'm never a fan of my own birthday. I'll be 22 this year and all my birthday does is remind me that I'm still stuck in Retail hell, that I'm stilling living at home with my parents, and that I'm no closer to making my dreams come true than I was at this time last year. The only bonus I have this time is that I'm not working and I'm going over to the theme parks for my birthday. I'm thrilled about that, I haven't been to IOA since HHN 18, but we did next to nothing.

I'm trying to fight this blue mood that's been hanging over me. But it's becoming somewhat difficult to manage. If it keeps up much longer I will go back and see my doctor. I can't deal with depression on top of the stress at work. It just doesn't go well together. I either want to smoke or drink, and both of those are things I'm trying not to do.
One because smoking is bad for you (but damn it makes things seem less stressful) and two, drinking leads down a long road I'm not willing to walk!

I had some blood work done the other day. Something's off about it so I have to go have more done at the end of Jan. Hopefully it's nothing serious and it's just my body not reacting well to the BC I'm on right now for my genetic problem. (PCOS).
You know that movie, Repo? Sometimes I sing the songs from it and laugh because it is so true. There's nothing I can do to change the way my body ended up, there's no disease I can blame for this, only my own shot genetic code, programed into me from birth.
PCOS: Poly cystic ovarian syndrome, is a disorder that causes cysts on the ovaries, causes missed periods, and generally a lot of stomach and... uh, down there pain. It can also lean to infertility. Basically, without birth control I have maybe four periods a year, I'm in a lot of pain, and, later on, I may not be able to have children.

I always laugh to myself when people complain about their children. Don't they realize how blessed they are to know they have a child, that they don't ever have to worry about there coming a day when they finally sit down and admit to themselves that they will never hold a child in their arms that shares the same blood as them? I've accepted that I probably can't have children. I won't know for certain until I'm willing to try... but until then, I'm going to smile and try and be cheerful when I see people take their children for granted.

You're so lucky... why can't you see that!

Faded smiles

It doesn't seem to matter what I do anymore, someone is getting pissed off with me. I tried to explain to my CSM last night why I had to leave on time, and he completely blew me off. I don't know what to do anymore.
It seems like I should shut up and stop talking altogether, maybe then things will get better. I'm just sad lately, Christmas does that to me.
Excuse me while I go and wait for my next visit to hell.

Night on the town

I didn't go into this planning to go out and party. I planned to just hang out, maybe drink maybe not, but I never imagined getting as trashed as I did.
The bad thing is that I'm sober now. And I realize how badly I fucked up. I called in for tomorrow, only... I was drunk when I did it. God knows what Night shift things of that one!
The other thing is that I think my sister's about to seriously fuck up her life... and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop her. She's an adult but I wish I knew what to do!
Screw it. I'm going to bed, hopefully no puking...

Blowout

You know that happiness I had for the tattoo I got? It's gone. The tattoo looks like shit now because the artist was too damn heavy handed. I'm trying to find another artist to help me fix it, but I don't know what to do anymore ~_~ I'm horrified by how bad it is today.
If chopping my arm off was an option... I would be one armed.

Venting

I need to vent really bad right now so I'm going to say sorry in advance for the emo-fest you are about to read!

I don't understand why people think they can walk all over me! I loaned my sister 50 dollars for her tattoo (two weeks ago) with the promise that it would be repaid by the following Tuesday. She finally got her paycheck and is now giving me a bunch of bullcrap about not being able to pay me back right now because of bills.
HELLO! Why the fuck did she get a tattoo if she knew she would be unable to pay me back????

God damn me to hell for being a cold hearted bitch but I have to eat too! I paid for my own tattoo out of my own money, and damn me again for it (since I am not happy with the final results) but I don't have kids to worry about, I don't have a family relying on me for ends meet. I am me, myself, and I, and I am quite happy for it to remain this way for a very long time.

While I do one day want to be a mother, if I'm blessed enough for that to happen, I have no desire once so ever to be a young mother. I'm smart enough to know that at 21 years old I am too young, too self-centered, to ever make the right choices for a child. Hell, half the time I make the wrong choices for myself!

I'm trying to find the good in my life but it seems to have gone out the window once more. I'm sad tonight and I have absolutely no one to talk to about it. It seems like the moment I admit to being down and out people think I'm vying for attention or am being suicidal again. (Yes, again).
I'm not. I'm just freaking sad. THERE IS NO REASON I CANNOT BE SAD FOR FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES! I'm tired, just so freaking tired. I want to crawl into a little cave in the middle of nowhere for a year or two and get my head screwed back on straight.

With work and everything else going on in my life I feel like I'm in a room with the sides closing in on me. I need to breathe. I need five minutes of clean air to feel like myself again. But I can have that with the holidays. I can't have that when people are constantly poking and picking at me. I can't have that when my freaking tattoo looks like shit right now and I want to cut the sucker off my arm every time I look at the damn thing (I know it's not that bad, it's still healing and I might like it better when it's finished) but it doesn't change how it looks right now and how much crap I'm getting from people at work.
Excuse me while I go write or rather, re-write, my story. I need a break from normal people. I prefer my guys and girls to the people I live with. At least they get me :D

*Yawn*

Back to the daily grind of work. Hopefully it goes smoothly, but my tattoo is being a pain. The main problem is that it's located on my upper arm and the skin there pulls a lot when I move it too much ~_~ oh well, can't be helped.

Been done a thousand times but I love this design. I will be adding more tattoos to my arm after this heals. Next is probably going to be a Cheshire cat (Unraveling).