Happy 4th!

I decided to cheer myself up today (long depressing story about being ditched by my sisters) by telling you all some of my funny and favorite customer stories. Some are about rotten customers and some are just funny fails by myself and co-workers (along with customers too!)

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I had only been working at the store for a couple months when my manager called me off the register with fifteen minutes left in my shift. She asked if I would help her and my other manager collect the cash tills from the closed registers. I agreed and was told to push the cart (DON'T LET GO. TWO HANDS ALWAYS!!!) and sign into the registers when told to.
Well, we reached the other end of the store where the express-lanes are. My manager looks over and calls out to a customer that this side of the store is closed and he'll have to go down to 18 to check out.
My male Manager is standing beside me and looks over with a big grin.

Manager: We get creeps like that all the time, don't worry.

Me: *looking past him at the customer* Uh... that's actually my dad, he's waiting to drive me home ~_^

Manager: O_O... Oh, ummm, sorry?

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It's the day before Christmas Eve and I'm on an Express-Lane about to close down (we close those registers at 9 O'clock) My final customer is a woman buying a bike and a jug of milk. I'm still new (less than one month) and I try to explain out replacement plan to her. She agrees and I ring it up onto her total. She flips out.

Customer: What the FUCK that's way more than it should be!

Me: Ummm. the plan was 20 dollars ma'am.

Customer: I'm not stupid but it should only be 218

Me: That's without tax ma'am.

Customer: Bull shit, I want to talk to your manager!

I call the manager over and after much bickering we take the replacement plan off and I ring up the bike and milk while my manager is standing there watching.

Customer: THAT'S STILL TOO MUCH GODDAMN MONEY!

Manager: The tax, ma'am.

Woman: You're charging me 8 dollars for milk?
Me: No, there's tax on the bike, ma'am.

Customer: RING THE BIKE UP ALONE!

I take the milk off.

Customer: Damn it, you're still charging me too much

At this point my manager is losing his cool.

Manager: Ma'am, there is TAX on the bike, the TAX is EIGHT DOLLARS!

The woman paid for everything and left screaming that we charged her eight dollars for milk... My manager actually gave me a hug and told me I did great :D

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This happened yesterday and made my day so much brighter; I was dying with laughter after he left my register.

Man comes up buying milk, eggs, duck-tape and little notebooks.
Man: How are you today, missy?
Me: I'm good *ringing up his items* did you find everything alright?

Man: *leans closer, faint smell of beer* Did you know we're in the twilight zone?

Me: *pauses in scanning* Uh... *laughs* No, I didn't know that :p

Man: Yeah, they don't WANT us to know it either, it's like the matrix but only the twilight zone!

Me: Nice.... you're total...

The man slides his debit card but gets a very typical error that our store's debit does. I offer to slide the card on my side since it normally fixes the problem.

Man: No! You can't! That's how they FIND YOU!

Me: Okay, calm down! *laughing and shaking my head* Slide it again and we'll see if it works.

Man: *slides card* Oh, there we go! *enters pin and completes his order* Thank you so much, beautiful!

Me: You're welcome, have a happy 4th!

Man: *reaches out and grabs my hand* Stay safe, now that you've talked to me they'll come looking for you *Dead serious face* They'll reprogram you!

Me: That... wouldn't be good, I'll be careful!

After the man leaves my co-worker comes up beside me.

Co-worker: Did that really just happen?

Me: Welcome to walmart! :)
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This story was told by my co-worker, I adore this girl and trust that it really happened.
 She was still new to the job, hired during the Christmas rush. They had her as a door greeter out in garden center when a couple came through.

Co-worker: Have a nice day!

Man turns and does the train eyes. He turns and whispers to his girl-friend who does the train eyes

Co-worker: O_o

Man walks over to her: Hi, how are you?

Co-worker: Good...

Man: Listen, I don't know if you'd be interested but... if you're ever curious to explore new areas of sexuality, my partner and I would be VERY interested in having you come play with us.

The woman reaches out and touches Co-worker's hand: Very interested

Co-worker: O_O *to passing male employee* H-help?

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And at the top of the list!

I'm working the smoke house (only lane that sells smokes) when a Spanish man and his sister come through buying a couple things. I ring them up and they stand there talking with me as I'm finishing the order. The man decides he wants smokes after all and asks for the same type my mom used to smoke, I go and get them and ringing them up.
The man is shocked I knew the brand since most people don't care for them. He looks me up and down with a big grin on his face (Note that at this point there is a small line)

Man: Have any kids?

Me: Nope, just nieces and nephews!

Man: Married?
Me: Not yet, no.

Man: Do you wanna be?

Me: O_O Uh... *laughs* what?

Man's sister: ~_~ *grabs his arm* I'm so sorry! *Pulls him away* I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU JUST DID THAT!

Next customer: Uh, well, I guess it's true.

Me: What?

Customer: You CAN get anything at Walmart!